Thirty four years ago, I came into this world. The daughter of a miner and his wife (my Mam was a cook and a seamstress), I would become the oldest of four children (although I do have an older half brother from my fathers first marriage, who I have talked to online but never met).
So I consider myself the oldest; the big sister.
My father was and still is an abusive man, who gave my mother hell while we (my siblings and I) were growing up… and he gave us hell as well. I’ve felt the sting of his slipper, his belt, his hand, and his walking stick. I’ve been ignored for weeks at a time because he didn’t like the way I acted. I had responsibility thrust on me at a young age, when my mothers health deteriorated and she lost most of her eyesight. He didn’t stand up and look after her or us. The house became a mess, and I got yelled at when it got really bad.
I was a fat child, and I am a fat adult. For much of my life, I hated this aspect of myself. I got picked on at school for it, although even a bit of bullying didn’t make school a bad place for me. Probably because it paled in comparison to other things in my life.
I had amazing grandparents, and I credit them with raising me up into the person I am today. My Grandad is still with us, 87 years old and still going strong. Grandma left this earth a couple of years ago, and we are worse off for her departure. She was a feisty, self assured woman, and I wish I had her fire.
I met my husband at 18. He was quiet, geeky, and wore random hats to lecture. He caught my eye but having had no experience at all with talking to prospective dates, I just hung back and watched him from afar for months. Creepy or what.
We eventually got it together, and we very quickly started to live out of each other’s pockets. This year is our 16th anniversary of being a couple, and 9th year as married.
It isn’t just us these days though. No, we don’t have children…at least not yet. We are polyamorous. Michael has been with Megan for 5 years, and she lives with us. I also used to date her, but we realised we are better as friends, so besties we are!
I have been with Paul for 2 years. He lives down in Middlesbrough which is 35 miles away, and we see each other at least once a week.
There’s also Jayson. I don’t know how to describe him anymore. He’s a long distance love in Vancouver. I visited him for 3 glorious weeks in 2014 and would love to go back over at some point.
I don’t talk to my parents. I used to, for years. And then, 5 years ago, my father’s dog attacked me and left my arms with permanent scarring. My dad didn’t take responsibility, he blamed me, and I haven’t spoken to him since. I’m pretty sure I have complex PTSD now, as I can’t seem to move on mentally. I’ve been through therapy 3 times and that has unearthed a lot of understanding and also anger about how my childhood has impacted the person I am now. Unpacking that is hard, and I’m still working through it. Anxiety is now a part of who I am, as well as the depression I have lived with since being a teenager.
I’m a mess of an adult, and my name is Lindsay. Hi.